The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
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i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”