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People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
✌️
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.