The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
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It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.