How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
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Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
i want to work in this restaurant
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard