me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
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[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
X-tra spooky blend
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.