[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
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You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
are there any atheist mantises?
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Lmao
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.