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a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
If you are reading this then you are reading this
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT