yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
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If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!