I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
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As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time