Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
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My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY