Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
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There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too