I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
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just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
#parenting
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Always a metermaid never a meter
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.