Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
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STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.