Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
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Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
These are my emotional support Pringles.