There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
You Might Also Like
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
umm…
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]