Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
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Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic