15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
You Might Also Like
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Good Morning.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions