I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
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“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected