How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
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When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
*Inspirational Tweets*
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”