Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
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Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
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no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?