So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
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I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.