I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
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wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Jupiter
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Sell your car
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime