[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
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THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
School be like
True?
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.