If a snake ate a cake
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1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Scream sneezers need love too.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant