If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
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In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.