I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
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I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Hot Hot Hot
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.