I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
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If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.