Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
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instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Not all heroes wear capes…
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*