PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
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The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.