Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
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Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
The Compass
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..