Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
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stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Before crowbars crows drank alone
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.