Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
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Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
honestly, i need both:
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.