ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
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Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock