hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
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*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
When you’re Kinky but poor
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late