I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
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SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
monday
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.