I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
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I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.