Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
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I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
I’ve had worse
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.