This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
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huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”