Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
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For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!