It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
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It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.