I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
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My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Me if I was a dog
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.