Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
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Thrilling chase underway
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
I’d love this…lol
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good