It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
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You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?