I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
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Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.