lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
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Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
*Seductively hides in the woods