Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
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Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
More like Kate Missington.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
the clam before the storm
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.