“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
You Might Also Like
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
just witnessed a drug deal
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶