Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
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I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Human are so complicated
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
even bears disappoint their mothers
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)