Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
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Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
*ernest hemingway voice*