My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
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“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Note to self: I am a note
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party